Just on of thous days

should say one of thous weeks. I am just tired. Past the stage of wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, now I am numb. I don't know witch is worse. There is this acing under the numbness I can't put my finger on. A feeling of hopelessness. Feels so bleak and I never know when it is going to end. Last time it was only a weak, but before that it was four months. I don't miss the anger or sadness it is not being happy about anything. I can fake it with the best of them, but then I feel empty for doing it. Like I am lying to my family and friends. I just don't want them to feel bad just because I can't feel good. It normally takes a change of something. I moved the hole house around and it wasn't enough. I am going to change my vitamin intake. that helps some times an exercise more that helps too. It is just so hard to think strait rite now. It all feels so hopeless. The worst of it is I know it herts my kids. All I want to do is get away. To not be near any one. I isolate myself and the kids end up isolated too.
Maybe it is just the stress getting to me. James working all the time and we still have no money. I don't get it. How did this happen? I hate being broke. I hate him not being home and working so hard just to brake even at the end of the month. There has to be something better. I feel guilty for not working, but know I can't send the boys to school. It just isn't rite. SO James pays the price. Heck we all do. There has to be an answer. I just don't know and rite now have no energy to fined it.

To better days

Congrats to Trevor

Devon, Trevor and Nathen
Trevors Graduation from Kindergarten

Trevor last day of school

Teacher Mrs. deVrease, Trevor and Justen

We are now free to do as we please

Truly a Women

I started off yesterday in a bad mood having only found out the day before My MIL and Mathew would be coming to stay the night and the house was a mess. I clean the floors and dusted. Did our normal daily thing. Went to pizza hut for lunch then off to the are port to pick up Mom and Matt. James ashered me I would not have to make lunch for them or dinner. I had to do booth. We left at five thirty to head out to Kennedy's Talent show. The highlight of the day.

My spirits raised as all the kids were so cute. Kennedy is in 6Th grade and in the short time I have not seen her has terned into a beautiful young women. As she stood on stage I was amassed how pretty she was and that she is most certainly not the little girl I picture in my head when I think of her. She held the mic low and looked out at the audience, probably looking for her mom and dad, and as the music started nerves got the better of her. She whispered "Shit" for all to hear as the mic picked it up. Her face red and trying not to giggle she started to sing. She was lovely. I couldn't be prouder. Most definitely the highlight of the night.

Hand on u

My latest pic Took while Nathen was nursing.

Tattoo

We had lodes of fun at Graham's birthday party. Devon didn't want to take a bath for two days because he wanted to keep his Tattoos. I told him we had pics so he can take a bath now.

Mud Mountan Dam

This is Mud Mountain Dam. We got to go there Friday with Trevor's school field trip.
Way Fun!!
View at the bottom of the trail

This is the view from the top.

Here is the trail. Lots of stares

They have four parks there. Trevor only knows how to climb on top of the monkey bars.

After all our fun.

Emergency Room

<------- Nathens mended Noggen---













Last night while getting ready for bed Nathen slipped in the bathroom and smashed his head on the corner of the door. I rushed the boys out of the tub, but with James home he sent me and Nathen to the hospital and put the boys to bed.

I have to admit I was glad James was there for the initial shock. All I saw was blood and my breath leaving my body. Filled with gilt for letting this happen I sat in the emergency room waiting for them to see us. Nathen was great. Other then not wanting me to wipe the blood from his head he was happy as can be and playing with all the other injured patients waiting. (Who strangely were all there for there own reason, but lived on the same street as one another)

So to let u know after three hours Nathens head was glued together and he is fine. I am a very tired Mom and doing my best today not to be grumpy and short with the kids.

Oddly mostly mad at myself and James. Me for letting my baby get hurt and at James for doing nothing while I was at the hospital. He put the boys to bed and sat and plaid his game, So when I came home wanting to put Nathen to bed and relax with him. I instead had to put away dinner, run the dish washer, clean the blood from the bathroom were Nathen got hurt and straiten up the living room so it would be clean in the morning when Tami drops of Shelby. Instead of relaxing with James he had to pack his bag for work and make his lunch. I get so tired of being the only one who takes care of the house. At lease we are all in good health for the most part.

Been Thinking

I know my head still Hertz.

Any how. Just wishing I had a better camera. Have an idea for a photo display and well my camera sucks. I need to get permission from friends too. It will not be there hole self, but parts of self's. Hands mostly. I love hands. Any how it is a woke in progress and only in my head.

I would like to have a big get together with every one and let the kids go art crazy. Buy one of thous big roils of paper and let them use there hands and feet to paint. Then just throw them in the sprinkler to wash off. I guess that one more thing to work on.

I do plan to take random photos and see what comes of it. I do get a good shot from time to time. I also like solutes pics, but have no idea how to do them. Will have to do some test. Just wish my camera would not be so temperamental and work when I want it too. mmmm to dream.

Well good weak for the most part. Kids are still in one peace. Put together there pre school portfolios seam happy with them. I still have to do Nathen's baby book, but have to wait on buying more photo paper.

Niki and the kids came over for the night. That was fun. I hope they have as much fun here as we have with them here. Always worry they are going to get board. Really do like having them around. And have to get brave and head out to there place more. Probably think I am avoiding it, but really I am just lazy when it comes to the drive.

Oh and They brought the coolest craft. the boys loved it. I'll have to take pics. there are really neat little wooden toys.

So no fireworks, but a good weak. Just hope it is my allergy's making me sick rite now and not a cold. I hate to make them sick.

Crash Dream

Music is playing, kids are singing, baby is sleeping.
The lite is red.
Stopped
A crash, movement, spinning, another crash we stop
The baby is crying, kids are screaming
The music keeps playing
Light are flashing, voices are calling
Kid are yelling, the baby is crying
The music keeps playing
Smock, voices, unable to move
The kids are yelling, the baby is crying
The music keeps playing
Fire, metal bending, glass braking, voices
My kids are calling, the baby is crying
The music keeps playing
Something worm on my face, water sprays over can't see
Kids are quiet, baby is crying
The music keeps playing
Voices, they took them,
Baby is crying far from me
I am worm, I can see, I am standing
The music keeps playing
Kids are safe, baby is safe
One last breath, I can rest, I am free
The music keeps playing

Inspiration in many forms. Music is the challenge. Here is my Idea. Whether it ends in word or an adaptation of a photo or I may even draw again. It is a start.

It has been so long. I no longer know what I have inside. Hiding from what ever may criticize. It has been to long and I am so looking forward to making the most of what I have in me. My baby will play whether the notes make a song or just a sound he likes. I may be laking in skill, but I will not stop playing

No energy or time

I am very tired witch is an understatement. Someone has sucked the energy out of my body and left me for dead to take care of two kids and get them to bed while dealing with heart burn. Yuck. Times like this I would like James home, but just kidding myself really. All he would do is be on the computer plains his game. I hate who ever invented computer games and the like. Hate isn't even a strong enough word. My luck it would be the same guy who invented spell check witch I can't live with out.

Kids are grate, just need the energy to keep up. It is only 8:30 and I should not be so tired. Part of it is thinking of work. I have five calls to make, plus my training call that's at least 5 1/2 hours of work tomorrow with two winy kids that miss there dad. I love Melaleuca and the stayin home and lovin it team, but am just getting started and used to the hours. I know only good will come of it though. I can always in good conscience do this business and know I am only helping others. So, now the kids call got to go. Thanks for the ear.

copied from Beckie thought it would be nice wast of time

Put an "x" if you have ever done any of the following...
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious injury
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) flown over a volcano in a helicopter
(x) been on a volcano
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) faked sick
(x) flashed someone
(x) mooned someone
(x) saw a therapist
(x) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of apple juice in less than one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to someone you loved
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker(work with my hubby)
(x) slept with anyone
(x) been married
( ) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Notebook
(x) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been skiing/snowboarding
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
(x) tried killing yourself(hence therapy)
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
( ) gone or going to summer school
(x) swam a mile
( ) ran a 5K race
(x) played paintball
(x) realized you were w/ the wrong person after it was too late
( ) have no regrets
( ) ate a whole box of girl scout cookies by yourself

thnkas for wasting time with me :)

Born

You Were Actually Born Under:

http://www.quizdiva.net/chinesehoroscopes/snake.gif"> %20color="#000000">Popular and crafty, you are a master at the art of seduction.You are intelligent and intuitive - and make a savvy businessperson.You live life to the fullest, even if it means maxing out your credit cards.Many people are secretly (and hopelessly) in love with you. You are most compatible with a Rooster or Ox.

<><><>You font-size: color:black;>http://www.quizdiva.net/chinesehoroscopes/dog.gif'> color='#000000'>You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.However, you don" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" a mood! You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatyearwereyoubornunderquiz/">What Year Were You Born Under?

<><><>You font-size: color:black;>http://www.quizdiva.net/chinesehoroscopes/dog.gif'>color='#000000'>You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.However, you don" face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" a mood!

Interview Questions for Michelle

1. What is your happiest memory?
2. Why have u decided to go into hygiene?
3. If u could live any were, were would it be? (Other planets are not an option)
4. If u are a loly pop what flavor would u be and why?
5. What is the favorite nick name u have been given in your life.

Answers

Beckie's Questions:

1. Do you ever wish your life had come out a different way?

Well it old have been nice to win the lotto, but other then that I am happy.

2. Will you be disappointed if your bun in the oven turns out to be another boy?

No. I kinda think it is a boy so if it is I get the pleasure of being rite and if it is a girl well then I get what I was trying for. I like being rite :)

3. What do you like the most about your life right now?

I know this is corny, but feeling the baby move. I like living in the moment and not having to stress about tomorrow.

4. What do you regret the most?

Not learning how to spell better. I love spell check, but it takes to much time sometimes. And having morals. Would be so much easer to make it rich if I didn't

5. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?

To live near my friends and family rather then having them all over the states and have every one finantaly secure so all we have to do is have fun. Screw work.
MEME RULES

Question people: Don't forget to add this to the bottom of your answers:MEME

RULES1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Just Ticks Me Off

I know it has been some time sense I have written anything or even got on to read anything. But today I just had it. I am so tired of having to defend my choice to stay home with my kids. As if I am a freak and letting down society by doing so. Sick of being treated as if I have nothing of interest to say just because I don't have dumb ass co workers to complain about or a boss and that because I "only stay home" I couldn't possibly be up on what is happening in this world out side my door.

Today when my sister in law criticizes me and my friends by saying if I got a job instead of staying at home I would know what is happening in the world. She even had the nerve to send this to all of my friends and family how I had sent a corresponding e-mail to. I expect it from others, from some with out kids, or working mom's in general at times. I am used to the better then thou attitude they carry, but not from family or friends. She really hit below the belt. Nothing makes u better then any one on this earth and nothing gives u the rite to judge some once choice of living.

Why is it that if u are a mom and work out of the house u are shown admiration, supported, every one seams to know how hard it must be for u. I am not saying it is easy, but it isn't easy staying home either. We make do with one pay check. So our things are not always as nice. We struggle at times to get the bills paid. And yes I crave for some adult contact from time to time. To talk about anything other then my kids. But no on talks because I am only an at home mom what do I know and of what importance could what I have to say be.

Then u can't even talk to other stay at home mom's because lets face it. It is a privilege to stay home with the kids and we have no rite to complain. So we sit quietly feeling gilt when things over whelm us. When we just need a moment to be ourselves and not a mom. We are supposed to even though the working mom would never feel bad about putting her kids in day care or having a baby sitter for a night our with co workers. We are not aloud. So, now I am going to go, because it is just about bed time for the kids and time to clean up.

Just Ticks Me Off

Wasting time

I should be out side playing with my kids, but I am here typing away. It is like a drug. Once I am on the computer I just can't seem to get myself off. I make up stuff to do. Like type stupid things no one else is interested in.
Things have been going good really. Morning sickness is gone. Yah!!!! My Melaleuca business is taking off. Really been fun doing it with my friend Heather and sister. I also really like the other women I am meeting. It has made me come out of my shell a little. I feel more usefully and as long as I can keep up the pass I hope to have all debt paid of at the end of the year and the boys school taken care of. Fun I know. I just want to be able to get a second car in good conscience that we have the money for it. This one car thing is not good. And James promise to get a second car is well going on four years now. Good thing I didn't' hold my breath.

TGIF

Has been a good weak, but I am tired. Starting this job and having the kids hanging on too has been a challenge. I do have five people under me now so I feel much better then I did the other day. It does feel good helping others better there health and home by getting all these toxins out of their lives. And hay I can make money doing it. Yahhh. The boys are getting on better too. They are more independent and I don't have to entertain them as much. So it is all working out. Have to admit I wasn't so certain a few weeks ago.

Went to the police station to visit James's sister. She is trained as a fire fighter, but I guess she can do police work too. The boys had fun seeing what a jail cell looked like, but she did stick us with the bill at lunch. Oh well. Found a Germen store near her work that has a baby lotion I just love. I smells so good and works grate for diaper rash. Have to wait tell James gets paid though. We had to get our brakes fixed last weak. 700 bucks. What a raw deal. And what can u do. U can't drive around with bad brakes. Well, I guess u can, but I wouldn't want to be on the rode when u do.

And that is the excitement I live. Also got the boys enrolled in preschool in Sep. Rite around when the baby is due. Now that is signed be fun. And it is Friday ... Hope the sun is out tomorrow too.

Business troubles

This sucks I am starting a home business and I really like it so far, but I keep getting people who say they want to sign up and when the date comes to do so they are not available. I wouldn't mined it from a stranger or if it just happened as a freak thing. Hay shit happens rite. But these two ladies are always doing this crap to me and not just with signing up but when we set a time to meat and have lunch or just get to gather they just don't show up, not even a call and there is always an excuse which sounds like bull shit to me. I have reliable costumers and I know there are more out there. I shouldn't let these two ladies spoil it for every one, but it pisses me off when I can depend on people. I take time out of my day for them and they don't bother to show up. I hate wasting time.

shameless promotion
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